Post by Vanya on Feb 25, 2006 18:07:21 GMT -5
Letting Go
The tinkling notes flitted in and out of the sounds of the house.
"Are you going to Scarborough Fair…"
The sixteen-year-old seated at the piano focused on the notes with such intensity that one might wonder whether she was paralyzed, if not for the fact that her hands swept over the piano, blurring into each other. When she finished the song, a derisive laugh came from behind her, making her jump.
"What are you doing playing that song again? Do you want to make us all deaf?" Her father laughed uproariously, like he had just cracked an extremely witty joke.
"Dad," she answered icily, "it’s my song. I need to play it." He shrugged.
"Whatever, crazy girl. It’ll be your problem when we all leave because of that racket." He wandered into the living room.
Coral stared after him. It was hard to keep playing sometimes when her family said those things. It made her wonder why she insisted on it even when they shoved her off the stool and forbade her to play. But it always made sense when she got her hands on it, when she got to caress it with all the love she didn’t receive. She knew that it was only a piano; real friends would be better for her. But it was so much easier to immerse herself in the notes and forget about people in general. She looked at the clock – 10 pm. Casting one long, wistful glance in the direction of the piano, she gently shut the door and locked it. She would wait for it until tomorrow.
The next day found her at school, slipping to and from classes like a substantial ghost. During the break, a girl appeared at her side.
"Hey, Coral! What’s up?
she asked enthusiastically. Coral sighed inwardly.
"Nothing, Lily, same as usual," she said tiredly. Lily was a cheerful, bouncy girl, who reminded Coral vividly of an exuberant puppy. Coral had never liked puppies.
"Aw, you’re so boring," Lily complained. "Can’t you just say something different for once? Not even super different, just, like, 'Nada' instead of 'Nothing'. Or something!"
"Lily, I’m busy," Coral snapped. "Go away or I’ll smack you with my textbook." She held up her science textbook for proof. Lily sighed.
"Fine, Coral, but you’re really boring, you know?" She scampered off. Coral stared after her. Something in her wanted to converse like a normal human being, but it was overridden by the desire to blend into the woodwork, to keep herself hidden with balanced equations and historical wars. What would happen if I didn’t? she asked herself, but she was afraid of the answer. She hurried toward her classroom.
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"Allie!" Eight-year-old Coral ran toward her best friend. But she was greeted with only a cold glance and the back of the girl.
"What’s up?" Coral tapped Allie on the shoulder. Allie turned to her and slapped her hand.
"Don’t touch me!" she cried. Coral was deeply puzzled and hurt.
"What? What did I do?"
"You know what you did!" Allie yelled. "It’s the worst thing anyone ever did to me! You lied about me and told everyone that… that…" She burst into tears and ran off. Coral stood there, frowning.
"I would never lie about you, Allie!" she called after her retreating friend, but Allie didn’t even give a backward glance.
Coral searched out the rest of her friends that day trying to figure out what she had supposedly said about Allie, but none of them would meet her eyes. They gave evasive answers and sidled away. Coral knew it was all just a rumour, but how could she make her friends believe her?
After school, she called all of them and tried to force the story out of them, but all she received were one-word answers and, in the case of one particularly rude girl, a phone slammed in her ear. She ran crying to her parents, but they didn’t help.
"We’re trying to watch TV, Coral! Leave us alone!" She shook them by the arms and cried harder, but her father shook her off and carried her to her room.
"Stay here until you can control yourself and leave us alone," he ordered, and shut the door firmly. Coral drew her knees to her chest and sobbed. What had gone wrong?
During the next few days, she found out nothing. She was suddenly being avoided like she had a major cootie infestation. No one except her teachers would even look her in the eye, and it even seemed like the teachers were reluctant. She wailed these troubles to her parents every night, but they constantly shut her in her room because she was "not controlling herself".
In the absence of people to talk to, she turned to her piano. It seemed like the only thing that didn’t shun her. She wasn’t very good, but she taught herself from her mother’s old books that still took up residence beside the piano. Soon she was playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" like a pro. She sat in the little room for hours, practising and leaving the world behind. After that episode, she had retreated so much that she didn’t know if she could ever trust anyone again. It was easier to keep it all inside and not have to deal with it. Sure, it made a bid for freedom every once in a while – usually at night, under the covers, accompanied by helpless tears. But she got past those and usually forgot about them the next day. She had convinced herself it was the best way.
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Coral shook herself out of her reverie when the bell rang for class. Time to pay attention, Coral, she chided herself. This is no time to be drudging up the past. Still, she had a hard time concentrating on balancing equations.
At lunch, she took her bag down to the music room. This was her regular haunt during her spare time: the one place in school she was truly comfortable. She didn’t have friends per se, but her closest acquaintances were fellow musically inclined students.
"Hey, Coral," Adam called. He was a drummer and enjoyed accompanying her piano playing.
"Hey, Adam," Coral replied. She set down her books and plunked down on the piano seat.
"'S'going on, little girl?" Adam sat down at his drums and looked enquiringly at her.
"Oh, nothing," she said with a sigh. "Really, it’s just one of those days, you know?"
Adam nodded wisely. "I hear ya," he said. "Wanna play that song? What was it called again? Steaming Devil or something?" Coral laughed.
"Whirling Dervish, silly," she said.
"Oh yeah. Hey, Coral…" He seemed a little unsure.
"What?" she asked.
"Well… I take music lessons."
Coral raised her eyebrows. "I may faint any time now. That is not possible."
"And, um, I want you to come."
Coral looked confused. "Why? Am I bad or something?"
"No, no!" he exclaimed. "Just, the teacher is really nice and she loves piano. You two would get along."
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“Well, that’s slightly arbitrary, but sure, if you want me to.”
Adam grinned wide.
“Awesome! Tonight at 4:00. At the rec centre. See ya!” He darted away before she could reply. She shrugged and gathered her books. She had never taken music lessons, and she had never really wanted to, but she would never pass up the chance to learn some new chords or something.
She wondered if she should tell her parents she was going out – they might worry if they discovered she wasn’t in her usual spot at the piano. Get real, she told herself firmly. Like they would ever worry. They’re more likely to settle in and relish the quiet. She went into her room to change and pulled on a T-shirt and black pants. Then she made sure all the doors were locked, left a perfunctory note for her parents – “I might as well play the good daughter and pretend they care,” she muttered – then started walking to the rec centre, which was only a few blocks away from her house.
“You’ll really like this,” Adam said, noticing the less-than-pleasant expression on Coral’s face. “Mrs. Minder really loves the piano, just like you. You’ll hit it off.”
They headed toward the room. She had forgotten just how stressful it was meeting new people. She was extremely glad that she was with Adam, whom everyone seemed to know.
“Hello, Adam,” the teacher said, glancing up from a student’s guitar. “And who do we have here?” Adam stepped sideways and indicated Coral with as much gusto as if he were displaying a particularly prized object.
“This,” he announced, “is the wondrously talented Coral.” Coral blushed bright red and shook the instructor’s hand hesitantly.
“I’m – not really that good,” she stammered. Adam snorted.
“Don’t lie, Coral,” he said. “You’re excellent. She does piano like you, Mrs. Minder,” he added.
“Do you, now?” she said. “Come here and play me something.” Coral glanced at Adam, but he had already headed toward the drums. She sighed and dutifully sat down at the nearest piano.
After a few minutes of playing, she thought she felt something on her back. She turned and saw someone across the room staring at her.
“Yes?” she said uncomfortably. The girl grinned and came over to her.
“Sorry if I was rude,” she said. “I was just amazed at how good you are. Where do you take lessons?” Coral shrugged.
“I don’t, really,” she said. “I just buy piano books and teach myself.” The girl’s eyes widened.
“Wow,” she said. “Cool.”
The two of them talked until the end of the class. Coral liked her, although she couldn’t really say why. There was just something about her that was attractive.
“Want to come to my house?” Coral asked. She wasn’t sure what made her say it, and she immediately regretted it. What if her parents were home and freaked out at her for bringing someone to the house that they didn’t know? Regardless, she had asked, and she did want Lisa –she had discovered that was her name – to come over.
Lisa grinned. “Sure!” she said. “I’m not doing anything after this anyway.” Coral breathed a strange sigh of relief and shock at her boldness.
The two girls walked home together. Adam had thanked Coral for coming and driven away. Coral unlocked the front door, still chatting, and they entered the house. She was relieved to see that her parents were not home yet.
Lisa immediately gravitated toward the piano.
“This is such a cool piano!” she said. “It has great sound.”
“I know,” Coral said, grinning. “Lucky for me – I would go ballistic if it were out of tune at all.”
“So,” Lisa said. “How did you get into piano?”
Almost without realizing it, Coral spilled the story of her friends’ betrayal and her parents’ indifference, and how she had only had her piano for comfort. When she slowed to a stop, Lisa gave her a tight hug.
“That sounds so terrible,” she said. “But it’s good in a way – you found your gift.”
“Gift?” Coral said, startled.
“Of course,” Lisa said. “You’re gifted in piano. Most people couldn’t teach themselves all this complicated stuff and play it so perfectly.” Coral was taken aback by the completely unexpected compliment. She hadn’t received compliments in such a long time, other than superficial things like, “Nice hair,” that she treasured this sincere comment.
“Thanks,” she said.
That night, after Lisa left, Coral lay in bed and thought about the day. She realized suddenly that she had done what she never thought she’d ever do – confided in someone and shared a very important part of herself. She was scared for a moment, but then she was overcome with a peaceful feeling. She didn’t have to be so scared anymore – she had a true friend, and that gave her a confidence that filled every inch of her. Piano had been her refuge and hiding place for so long, and now it had led her to a way out of her suffocating shell.
She hummed a few bars of her favourite song, a tribute to her old intensity and her new confidence.
“Are you going to Scarborough Fair…” she sang in her mind, as she slid into the most peaceful sleep she could remember having for a long, long time.